C.E.C

     Well I think it’s time I wrote this, I’ve been thinking of what to say and none of it came out right but I think I’m ready this time. Or maybe not, I might just end up stopping again.

     These past few nights have been hell. I keep having dreams, or maybe they are nightmares? They are dreams because I get to see your face again, I get to hug you again, talk to you again. But I guess that makes them nightmares too because I know that this will never happen. I will never again be able to hear you. The first dream was strange it started out with all of us hanging out, You, Lizzy. Morgan, Heather and I. Then it changed and we were in Lizzy’s car crying. I knew I missed you then. Last nights was bad though. I was walking into gym class through the girls side. In case you didn’t know our gym is divided into two sides, one has the girls locker room the other has the boys. I have gym class on the boys side so I had to walk through the door to get to you. Now I opened the door and there you were. You were in jeans and a dark sweatshirt. I ran to you and you opened your arms for a hug. I started crying and you just stood there patting my back and then finally you pulled away. You looked at me and said “I miss you.” Then you were gone and I was all alone in my room. I guess when I saw you I got too excited and that woke me up. I never had the chance to tell you in my dream that I missed you, that I loved you. I just stood there. That’s what makes it so scary because it seemed so real. I will never be able to tell you that I miss you. I won’t know if you miss me, and now my dream has me wondering.

    I remember the first day I met you. It was a long time ago fifth grade, at least I think it was. That means I have known you for six years. I’m not saying that we were best friends for six years. I just knew you that long. So we were in fifth grade. Everyone was talking about the new girl. It was during the winter and we were having a sledding party thing. I always hating sledding. I went out to the hallway to get something and I saw you on the other side by the doors, I think you were putting your sled down. I said hi to you, well knowing me I probably screamed a bunch of greetings at you. You didn’t really talk much but I liked you. 

    I remember when and where I last texted you. I was in Chemistry lab with my favorite teacher sitting in the back by the emergency shower. The last message I got from you was “About to go lifeguard.” I only have three messages from you in my phone. I really wish I had more.

   Speaking of text messages that was one of my favorite things. We had this sort of game where we would text each other in the morning. It could be song lyrics or anything sweet really. My favorite was “Good morning apple dumplin’”. You would reply with something like “Good morning Star shine”. I don’t think you ever knew how much that meant to me in the morning. It would make my whole day, and I could actually deal with the idiots in school. I regret not texting you good morning messages more often.

    Your first beer. Do you remember that? I sure do. We were all in Heathers camper drinking. I’m pretty sure we were passing around a bottle of Smirnoff. I wanted a beer so we took one and snuck it in the camper. You wanted to try one and you lifted it up took a sip and said it was nasty. But you kept drinking it. I’m smiling as I write this because it’s one of my favorite memories of you. Like in Heath class back in 8th grade when Mr. Nichols would look at me when he talked about drinking. Lizzy when he talked about drugs and you when he talked about teen pregnancy. I still giggle when someone says penis seriously.

   Your laugh. I can hear it in my head. Some nights I can’t get it out of my head, and other times I welcome it. My fear is that one day I will forget what it sounds like.

   Constance. I love you.

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